Milkshakes are my comfort food. When everything’s going wrong, a milkshake makes it right. I have many milkshake memories, but there’s one that stands out. One worth sharing here.
Before I tell this story I need to make something clear. I’m not an animal person. AT ALL. I wish this was different. I’ve tried to change, but I can’t. It’s just me. Animals scare me. Tina Fey said it best in Bossypants, “I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them.” She forgot to say that they’re terrifying, but you get the point.
Here’s the thing. You can’t tell people you don’t like animals. Like if I say “I don’t like dogs,” you automatically judge me and think I’m a heartless B. Don’t lie. I know it’s true. So I try to hide it, but sometimes I just can’t. Like the time this happened…please, have a seat.
My dad took me, my sister and our husbands to the state fair. It was a family affair and it started off great. There was mingling and dancing and drinking but then we made our way to the petting zoo tent. I agreed because I’m ok around animals when they’re contained and can’t eat me alive, which one would logically think is the case in a petting zoo tent. Ha. Joke was definitely on me.
I’ll cut the crap. There’s no sugar coating this. I was attacked by a bull.
Fine, “almost” attacked but whatever. Don’t laugh. I’m obviously ok and lived to tell about it, but it was traumatizing. The thing was obviously pissed he was in some sort of make-shift, fenced-in “farm” all day and he wanted out… BAD. He started ramming the fence. Hard. I stood there and watched because it was exciting and really, what were the chances he’d actually get out? Yeah, never question a bull’s strength. He lifted the entire fence with his head and threw it over his back. He was free and guess who he came straight for? This heartless bitch of an animal hater.
I don’t know how to describe my reaction. Freak-out is a bit of an understatement. I started running, and crying, and screaming. I tried hiding but he found me. So I ran more. I heard some cowboys yelling at me to stop, so I did. They were in cowboy boots, hats and chaps. They obviously knew what they were doing. The angry bull was right next to me. I could feel its spittle.
“Stay calm, Miss” said the cute little cowboy who was still irritatingly far away.
Are you kidding me? Stay calm? Can you please just lasso this thing before I am either 1. Trampled 2. Stabbed in the face by these horns or 3. Die of a heart attack because my heart rate is not ok right now.
I tried to keep my back to it. Jon was nearest me and told me “not to turn around.” Really? Thanks. I can feel its breath. My dad and sister were off laughing at me somewhere. I was just there… peeing my pants. It seemed like hours but after a few minutes the cowboys really did lasso that raging bull right back into that same super safe, secure fence. Yeah. So, I left the “petting zoo” tent and went straight for the food tent to stress-eat one of everything.
I started with a milkshake and that’s really all I needed. It’s all I ever really need. So I decided it was time to tackle the challenge of making a paleo milkshake. Yup, a dairy-free milkshake. I don’t even know if you’re still reading. You probably unsubscribed when I said I don’t like dogs. Or maybe you just left when I said “dairy-free milk shake” but trust me here. You’re gonna want to make this ASAP.
There isn’t much to it. Coconut milk, cocoa powder, peppermint extract and protein powder. I added cocoa nibs for some texture and fiber. You don’t have to. You don’t even have to add protein powder. I did because I’ll be having one of these post work-out for the entire holiday season. It tastes like frozen, creamy, frosty Christmas in a glass. So now you know I’m terrified of your dog, but you can’t hate me because I just made you a guilt-free milkshake. See how that works? Enjoy!
Chocolate Peppermint Protein Milkshake (makes 2 fairly large milkshakes) (adapted from Edible Perspective)
1 can unsweetened coconut milk
2 heaping tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon peppermint extract
3/4 cup water
1 scoop chocolate protein powder (see notes 1 and 2 below)
1 tablespoon cacao nibs (optional)
Posted on November 29, 2013